Christine Smith's Blog

The Crucifix

I want to share a distinct change I’ve been acutely aware of in myself for the past four-five months (perhaps longer, but it’s really getting my attention): I look at the crucifix and can maintain that connection, that literal eye connection, gazing at my Lord on the cross, without turning away.

The crucifix I view not with my physical eyes any longer, but with spiritual sight. I used to not look upon the crucifix as I do now (which I believe must have been caused by some sort of fear inside myself). I can now look and feel when before I would turn away. It’s hard for me to put into words, but it is very significant to become aware of such a change in one’s being.

All I know is that this is a realization of myself I’ve become aware of both in Church (and its larger crucifixes) and at home (on the rosary). It is so amazingly different than the way I used to be, so much so. Now, I can rest my eyes on the crucifix, and allow myself to feel…a deep gratitude, knowledge, affirmation. Words are hard to put on this, and I’m not really sure my attempt to write about this change will adequately convey the experience.

Before I think, or I speculate, I must have rationalized my fear, my reluctance to meditate upon what Jesus did for us, for me, through his crucifixion, by trying to excuse my not looking at the crucifix explaining to myself that one need not focus upon the violence and suffering and cruelty such an image conveys. But now, I literally see it all so differently. It gets to me inside. Now, when looking at the crucifix, I feel overwhelmed with gratitude, an awareness inside of grace and mercy, and I see love for me, for all, in its purest way, in love’s truest meaning. I feel, too, love, and a need to give love. The focus is no longer only upon the cruelty, but the endurance of suffering He experienced for the love of us by accepting that cruelty in His sacrifice. But even those words don’t convey what I experience.

Something freeing has happened inside.

Whatever was once keeping me from this meditation is gone.

The crucifix, with the realistic depiction of Jesus’ death, touches me inside with what was suffered for me. Yes, Jesus rose from the dead and is seated at the right hand of the Father, and yes Jesus will come again, but one must never try to distance themselves from the gift in all its totality given us.

Why I once couldn’t look for long at the crucifix in the past I can only wonder about, but most importantly is the fact I do not now turn away. On the contrary, it is good for me. It is of the spirit. And my mind recognizes that my feelings and behavior, the entire experience of viewing a crucifix, has become powerfully meaningful inside my heart.

It is a meditation itself. I’ve just become so aware of this in my Church and at home when I pray.

I don’t know if words here have conveyed much, but it is such an amazing change to realize has happened, I sense this change is significant to my life.