Christine Smith's Blog

My Catholic Home

Since I recently shared my feelings about my first Mass and other activities with my church, I have decided to write a summary of my return home to the Church. I have previously posted a few blog entries (and a few articles on my website before then) over the past several months regarding my return to prayer, joining my local Catholic parish, conversations with my priests, the Catechism, and other aspects of my faith, but now write a piece summarizing this beautiful wondrous journey including the experiences during the past year of my life which led me first to pray, and then led me to the Church.

My Return Home:
I would like to briefly share with you my journey and return to the Catholic Church: I was christened/baptized Catholic as a baby (for which I am grateful to my parents, both were Catholic) with my mother’s family Roman Catholics from Germany, and my father also with a Catholic teaching/upbringing. I have strong fond childhood memories of being in the Catholic Church with my father, lighting a candle and praying. I think my awe, reverence, belief and gratefulness felt then is identical to my openness with which I receive the teachings, blessings and grace I am now (again) aware of.

As a teenager (I was not brought up in Catholic teaching as a child) and into my early twenties (I am now 41), my beliefs became that of a Protestant (though I had not been in any church for years.) Despite visiting Protestant churches, none felt right, none resonated with me, none felt like the presence of Jesus was in them. So, for a span of thirteen years I was a Christian, a believer, but without a church. I’ve always sought to know, grow, and be in the Truth. That seeking (and questioning of myself) has led me to be an avid reader of spiritual matters for years.

During my mid-late-twenties, there came a time of great trials, and I felt alone despite my praying. It was during that time I rejected religion (though not spiritual seeking). Without going into great detail here, suffice to say I regard my previous rejection of religion as foremost a rejection of certain Protestant teachings and emphasis (and lack of emphasis in other areas) which did not resonate/coincide with my conscience, negative experiences with Christian hypocrites (which as a friend pointed out to me, it is irrational to reject a belief simply because those claiming to also believe it do not practice it), and hardship and struggle in my life which made me feel much despair and discouragement. I now see it was my mind trying to comprehend and understand, rather than my heart, rather than my spirit, in essence rather than faith. Theological questions were not answered adequately (nor could I accept some of the interpretations or teachings) that Protestantism espoused. The depth of spirituality I sought was not found there.

I embraced my Catholicism during the past several months, during a time of painful disillusionment and high stress. (I was a Libertarian candidate for president, traveling the country, appeared on numerous radio shows nationwide, passionately seeking to share my principles with a heartfelt wanting to help be part of saving America. I learned, however, the Libertarian Party was no different than any other, and I have left it since I now see it is a waste of time, money, and work for a person of principle, ethics and integrity to be involved with them. They only give lip-service to good principles, but in actuality the party reject ethics, morality and even the principles they espouse.)

During that year and half of campaigning, I experienced painful betrayals (politics is a dark world) and countless disillusionments. A friend whom I deeply respect both for his political activism and his integrity, shared with me of his Catholic faith, recommending I at least try to pray if I became very discouraged. I reminded him I did not pray and I rejected religion, and yet he persisted, and in the same conversation referred to me as a Catholic again (despite my earlier protestation I had no religious belief in my life). I did ask him if he prayed the Rosary, and he told me did. I gave him every indication I rejected his advice. But, I remembered it months later. (I always remember what is told me by someone I respect and whom I regard as someone of integrity, though I am not good at letting them know just how much I take their words to heart at the time.)

I was intrigued by his devout belief and practice of Catholic faith, and pondered it. His sharing of his faith with me was the catalyst which led me to study Catholic theology, Carthusian Spirituality, Mother Mary, and the lives of the saints for months. It was enlightening! I became deeply interested in learning more of the saints, and through learning of their courageous inspiring lives, I became intrigued with learning much more of the faith they so devoutly committed their lives to and to prayer. So much I did not know but thought I knew; what I have learned and experienced has enhanced my spiritual understanding and recognition of teachings, practices, and my moral beliefs. Just as my friend had recommended I do, in a moment of much despair, discouragement and sadness, I reached out to our Holy Mother, and she was there. I was heard, I was comforted, I was consoled. I was given immediate guidance which led me to God’s grace, to Jesus, and to the holy Catholic Church.

All of the reasons or objections I previously had regarding religion are gone; they have been resolved in my understanding of Catholicism. Beautifully, the Catechism has become very significant to me, answering so much, and understanding has been shown me. Embracing my Catholicism, and joining my parish, is for me the most significant decision I have made and this decision for my life is now one of devoutness, worship, repentance and acceptance of love and reconciliation. It fills me with joy. I believe I’ve always been on the right path, my heart has been seeking, and now I have realized something that was always there – though it took some life experiences to come to it, embrace it, experience it. I would like to emphasize the beauty and enlightenment I have found in the Catechism. I am reading other Catholic theology books which are proving wonderful for me, but emphasize the Catechism itself has opened my understanding in ways that amaze me. For the first time I “see,” and the Catechism is proving invaluable to me as I seek understanding (which miraculously is present, when before I was so confused and did not know). Many misunderstandings and false assumptions (based on Protestant teachings and their false assertions about Catholicism) had clouded me…now I see clearly…and I am grateful to the Holy Spirit for remaining with me and making it possible to meet those along the way that helped me get here.

My heart is filled with devotion, reverence, and gratitude to Mary, for she brought me back to her Son and my Heavenly Father. Never in my life, prior to this, have I experienced the power of intercessory prayer, but Mary showed me the path, and without going into greater detail, for my life, the experiences I’ve had since that first prayer, have been nothing short of miraculous.

I am filled with happiness, amazement, gratitude and wonder. I look forward to Mass, the Sacrament of the Eucharist (Holy Communion) and adherence/practice/respect of all Sacraments. Prayer, in a way I’ve never experienced before is one of the most important experiences that has brought me here. Marian prayer has been most blessed in my life-a communication with our Holy Mother (Christ’s mother and ours) has been life-changing and wondrous – intercessory prayer is real, valid, and through Mary, solace has been given me, prayer is a part of my daily life.

The sacred, the mysterious, the grace of supernatural revelation, has brought me a peace I’ve never had. I want my works, the process of my learning and growing in faith, to be strong and reflect His love. As I reflect on my experiences, all of which were a part of bringing me to this beautiful happy point, I must say life is mysterious and wondrous. To even begin to speak aloud about how significant prayer/what I have experienced/learned in the past several months, brings forth deep emotion in me. I am joyous, blessed, happy. I am so grateful for the love and grace which has been here all along for me – it just took the willingness on my part. I believe (recognize) there has been a spiritual calling to me to come to my Catholic home for years, and now I have heard it and returned.

All my life, each time I entered a Catholic Church, I felt I was entering a sacred place, a holy place, I never felt that feeling in any other man made place of worship. I have always felt drawn to the Catholic Church no matter where I was throughout my life. I feel this awareness has been just under the surface: Jesus was always there, my Catholicism (the Catholic Church) was always there, waiting for me… my feelings and awakening I’ve been told by other Catholics has happened at the right time and that everything in my life has brought me to this point. It was the meeting of a new friend, during that year and a half of campaign travel, who l later learned was Catholic and who answered my questions about his beliefs, that awakened my desire to learn more about Catholicism, and whose advice to pray brought me home, bringing me to the love waiting for me from Mother Mary who was there guiding me to her Son, to my faith, and my Catholic home.

This is a most happy enlightening time for me. The word “community” now, in this spiritual sense through the Church, now has the most beautiful meaning to me. I am experiencing an aspect of joy I’ve never felt until now. The phrase “coming home” describes how I feel precisely.